Brainstorm at the World and You

Okay, there are no rules that say I can't blog about my English homework. "But Ben, don't you have homework t-" SHUT UP AND LET ME BLOG! Yes I do have homework to do. HOWEVER, writing my thoughts helps me organize them, and my blog is for voicing my thoughts. So technically I am doing homework. "But Be-" Don't but Ben me; I got work to do...

Aright I have to write about A Song of Joys for my class. This is a moderately long poem that talks about the joys of life. It talks about nature, man, work, death, and the soul. (I can be in my blog.... no really that's special) I, when I read the poem (the 50th time) found an interesting message. The poem is basically talking about Boundaries, or lack there of. It's saying that, no matter your profession, there is no limit to joy or freedom of the soul. It's saying that the soul owns all and has all, no matter your age or gender.

I assume that the time period is notable. Walt Whitman wrote this poem in 1860, (that date was harder to find than you might think) a time when things were being invented to make work easier. Normal (middle class) people started looking to their stuff for joy. With less time on work they could spend more time on themselves. People started watching and participating in sports. They started reading more fiction. They developed hobbies. People had begun an age of self entertainment rather than preservation. Until this point people had to find joy in their work, not (so much) their play. What you and I live now is a matured version of this new age. However Walt never mentions golf, video games, or diet fads in his poem. His poem is filled with work. "How can that bring jo-" I said shut up! This poem marks the last generation that truly knew where joy is found. Not in entertaining one's self, but rather finding joy in doing one's job to the best of one's ability. To participate in fulfilling one's purpose....(my mind is approaching depression, I don't know why)

I also have a power point project thing to do. I have to talk about myself. I hate talking about myself. Unless I'm blogging. Well it shouldn't be too hard... I'm dying on this schedule. Literally, I'm loosing my mind. I'm returning to the dust from whence I came. I should take a nap... I'm done blogging today...ish

16 Views From Russia?

I wonder how many people who view my Blog actually read it...

Well today I have a little time to blog, under the excuse of it being English work. Well, as some of my regular readers already know, I'm a little behind in my schoolwork... Basically I did a weeks worth of school per month last quarter... Bad idea. Anyway, now I am on a strict schedule, for example Monday:

5:00... AM- Wake up, Bible study, eat, shower, dress... basic morning just way earlier and compacted.
6:00 - An hour of Pre-cal. (the worlds worst high school class) I have a final coming up and 3 weeks to finish 15 six-hour sections of homework.
7:00- English- thus here I am.
7:45- Go to work. Thank God my boss gave me a couple days off to study.
12:15-30 PM- Return from work and eat lunch.
1:00- Pre-cal.
3:00- English
4:00- Pre-cal.
5:30- My longest break of the day starts. I Help make dinner (for my home ec. class), then proceed to consume and help clean up said meal.
8:00- Pre-cal.
9:00- Economics
10:00 Finally I get to go to bed... but wait I haven't checked my FB, or my e-mail (as if anyone does that anymore).
11:00 GO TO SLEEP.
Now this is probably my hardest day, but the others aren't much different. This day consists of 12 hours of work, 6 hours of sleep and 6 hours of eating, cooking, chores, bible reading, driving, riding, and FB. Dag...

As you can imagine this schedule doesn't leave much time for knife throwing, youtube, bro-fighting, TV, working out (not that big a deal), Settlers, laundry, or even shopping online for the coolest swords and guns. I do get to go to church on Sunday but I miss it on Wednesday nights. Responsibility fell like a brick on my head... I should write a song... but I have no time...
The good news is I WILL graduate, and this will only last three weeks. After that all I have to worry about is getting into a JC, and getting my class M licence. Again I could talk forever, alas I must return to my actual studies... ish

Do I Even Have Time for This?

The simple answer... NO.

Fart my life.

Aright the following post is proof that I am the worst student in the world... (read in normal excited irresponsible way)

Okay if girls can blog about their obsessions with famous boys, I have decided I can blog about my current attraction to... wait for it... sharp objects (said as I swing my fist up in an uppercut motion)!

I can't help it! they're just so great. I don't know if you've ever held a knife or a sword, but just the possession of such an object give the bearer a huge sense of power. I don't care if it's just a butter knife. Holding = Strength. If you understand this concept you can't help but relate to my constant desire for a larger, sharper, grander blade.... Oh, and I have pictures, just like any love struck teenage fan-girl.
   

It's just so BIG... Yet manageable. The hand-and-a-half sword is my favorite medieval western sword. You want to use a shield? No problem! You prefer two hands for more power? Go ahead! You want a longer reaching one hander? Sure thing! Nuf said... on that one...

 Did someone say Spartans. Oh, just me? Cool... Any way, this little sword (or big knife) is the classic sidearm of the best Greek warriors. Lets face it; sometimes spears break. This little guy here will get you a lot farther in battle than a broken stick. This blade is also very useful in crowds. Being short makes it awfully versatile. And it doubles as a machete. OOO, and while we're on ancient Greek amazingness.

"I'm getting one!"- Pipin, LOTR

Katana. Japanese, swift, elegant, strong, long, sharp, beautiful, unbeatable.

... Wow I'm dorky... more people should be dorky..."I know how to fart out a dragon... Indeed, indeed I do!"-My little bro right now... perfect. I apologize for this post, I know it's about as interesting as 1-D but I thought I'd get it out of my head and on... the internet... Maybe this isn't such a good idea after all... ish

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Someone prove that (sin(x)^1/2)cosx-(sin(x)^5/2) cosx = cos^3 sqrt.(sinx)

Half way to one thousand... ish

Why do Chickens Have to Poop?

Just kidding! I'm not going to talk about C.hocolate R.aisins A.nd P.eanuts. Actually I was just trying to weed out the Bloggers who don't care what I have to say. Okay not true that wasn't my original intent, but if it works out that way, fine with me.
What I really want to blog about is kinda a continuation of the last two posts. Life is busy, responsibility is hard, and all God wants out of me is constant praise and worship and glory... wait what was that?... Praise, worship, and glory... Hmm, is that all? My father believes otherwise.... I've decided I do also... now that it has been brought to my attention. For the longest time I thought that God made me for one purpose: to glorify him with my life... I wholeheartedly believe that I was made go glorify God, BUT that's not all God wants from me. He made me so that I would seek to have a relationship with Him... I've heard it sense before I was a kid, but I have never fully understood it. So do yourself a favor and understand that while God wants to be your Lord and Master, He also wants to be your friend.
I know really really really corny sounding, but so true. No God doesn't want to be on your FB friends list. He doesn't want you to have his App. God isn't a convenience. That's why I hardly ever use the Bible App. I don't want God in my pocket, so that I can pull him out when I want him. I want to know him and have him in my heart.
Take your best friend for example. If someone asked you what your friend wants for their birthday you'd probably know. If you made dinner for your friend you'd probably know what they'd like to eat. If you were picking out a clothing item for your friend you'd probably know what color they'd want it to be. I want that kind of relationship with God. I want to KNOW him. Not to be a worship robot. If God wanted a robot He'd have made one. However he didn't he made man in his image with a free will. He didn't want me to worship him because He told me to and I had to. He wants to tell me to worship him and then let me choose to do it for myself. He made me so that he could have fellowship with me. Not just normal fellowship, though. He wants perfect fellowship with me. Oneness. His Spirit came to live in me when I was saved, so that God and I could be connected intimately.
I got to ride my motorcycle today.
He is constantly seeking a relationship with me. He is a completely faithful being. I may not respond to his desire for me, but that will never change how he feels. I always want to be relating with stuff. I'm so distracted by the things of this world. I seek things that do not comply with Gods holiness. Thus I'm not only ignoring God, but I am making him my enemy. The separation is my choice and my doing. God must withhold glory and satisfaction from those who don't even seek a relationship with him. I could try to glorify God without actually loving him. I could do good deeds. However without love, these works count as nothing. I could do them for God. I could make my boss's shop look really clean. I could make sure everyone knows that his shop is spotless. I could make his company look really good. I could bring him glory with my work. I don't have to like him. I don't have to care about his life. All I have to do is work for my $10/hour and make my boss look as neat as possible.
Same thing with God. I could do what the Bible says. I could be a good example of a christian. I could seek God's glory. However if I only seek His glory so that I can be satisfied or even free from sin, then I'm missing out on everything.
God doesn't want a glory machine. He wants his creation to choose to love him. Seriously love him. Not just love what he does for me. But love him like he loves me. Because he loved me first. God doesn't love me for all the glory he can get out of me. It's not the benefits that I bring that attract his affection. He loves me unconditionally. I could never earn his love. The only way I could possibly receive it is if it is given freely. Then it's all up to me to return with love. He is always holding up his half of the relationship, I just have to get my half together... You can't really measure it by halves can you? Gods part is a lot bigger than mine... I't's getting late and I have homework to do. I could probably talk about this forever.
Anyway it turns out they don't use all the food they eat to live. Some of the waste must be digested and expelled. Thus we have chicken poop... ish

Yes I'm 18

"Oh, you had a birthday? how did you turn?"

"18"

" So now your an adult. Does it feel any different?" 

"No...Yes...ish"

What do you mean do I feel any different. No I don't have back pain. no I don't crave strange foods. No I'm not any more or less interested in the opposite sex. However I'm under a whole new amount of pressure. I have to get a licence. I have to make money. I have to finish high school. I have to write this post before Sunday. Then there's always the hope of a rest... when I'm 75 years old and retired. That is if I make enough money to retire, and assuming I live to 75. Chances are I'll die of cancer or a car accident or heart disease before 45. 

No I didn't physically change from January 13th to January 14. At least not much. However I do have a sense of responsibility that I'm not excited about. "Oh but being an adult is so much better"... Yeah you have fun backing that one up. Sometimes I just want to go to sleep and wake up with all my work done. Alas that never works. In fact I tend to wake up with more work than when I started. 

I used to look forward to summer. I still do.

Who's idea was the triangle. They should be shot. The dust that used to make up their body should be...(face turning red, ears beginning to steam)... Thrown into a light summer breeze! (deep inhalation) Yeah... Thrown into the wind. Never again able to torture society with the hidden complexities of three sides and three angles. 

If you haven't noticed my brain travels when I give it time to think. It doesn't mill over one subject. It starts somewhere and goes off to who-knows-where. For example the last five minutes of my day were not spent writing the last few sentences. Right after "who-knows-where" I remembered that I just downloaded skype to my phone. Turns out in order to get into my account I have to remember my password. Sense when do yo actually have to know your password? I thought computers were supposed to be convenient. Anyway...

So yeah, responsibility. What happened to being done with school at 12:00. What happened to  the days I would wake up at 5:00 and finish my school before breakfast. Then I could spend all day outside playing with sticks and jumping on the trampoline and playing computer games and building lego castles and all the best things in life. Now people expect me to be different. I'm not supposed to enjoy running around whacking people with sword-like objects. I'm not supposed to like making little airplanes and buildings out of little building blocks just so that I can destroy them again. sometimes I envy the creators of Godzilla.  

They expect me to just put away childlike things and become a man. Well, being a kid, all men seem to have time for is work. Sigh. Being a man doesn't look fun. Being mature sounds hard. And no I don't like a challenge... Unless it has to do with settling small hexagonal islands.

Then you are all the sudden an adult, a man. You are either mature or a failure. Your either working or dying.  Your either contracting "you are" correctly or you're uneducated. Life just doesn't stop coming at you... I could do it. I could work from 8:00 am to 5:00 pm like my dad. I could wake up at 5:00 so that I have time to be in the word. I could be a mature man. BUT I DON"T FEEL LIKE IT! I'd much rather sleep til 7:00, start school at 9:00 and be done at 12:00, spend all afternoon on the computer or playing with me younger brothers. Maybe even pick a chore off the list I have and do it. Then if I get a chance I'll take a nap and have a weird/cool/amazing/new/interesting/thought provoking dream. After that I'll expect a ride to a friend's house where I will enjoy the time I was supposed to spend sleeping hanging out with the people I love. Then I'll go home and sleep some more. That sounds like much more fun. However I can't imagine doing that same thing when I'm 35. Living with my parents, getting them to drive me around, working 10 hours a week so that I can buy toys for myself. What an empty life... how pathetic would that be.

"So how old are you"

"I'm 23" 

"What school do you go to?" 

"I graduated."

"Oh really? from where?"

"CWCS"

"High school?"

"Yeah... I'm planning on going to MJC when I grow up."

(sigh) I guess if I'm going to grow up it should be soon... tomorrow maybe. I'm going to go read my last post now... Well believe it or not this took an hour and a half to write. Yes, I'm 18. Yes, life is changing fast. Yes, I plan to step it up. No I don't want to stay a kid forever. I want to want to glorify God with my life. I want to be mature. I want to move out. I want to start a family. I want to go to school and get a good education. I want to have a good job that can support my family without everyone worrying about weather or not we will be able to pay our bills. I want but I can't have unless I find motivation and actually change the way I treat life... 

"Excuse me, I've been turned into a cow. Can I go home?" I could do some really close reading on that line... ish.

Just Some Deep Thinking

I seem to be lacking motivation... I never seem to want to do anything. I mean I'm eighteen but I don't have a drivers licence, I hardly ever get all my homework done on time, and I don't want to go to a concert. The only thing that motivates me to go to work is because I get paid. I know that doing my homework pays in the long run, but that doesn't seem to get me to change my behavior. I don't even know why I'm writing this.
I seem to be missing something big... Oh yeah... Seeking to glorify God in everything that I do... *sigh*... then of course this has to include dying to myself and my own glory and satisfaction... But I like bringing satisfaction to myself; sleeping in, procrastinating, taking naps, hanging out with friends, staying up late, playing Settlers, etc, etc... These things make me so happy, why would I want to do anything else... Well they don't exactly pay the bills (not that I have many of those yet). They also don't last very long. Shoot, I'm already eighteen. I can show you plenty of examples in my life of "joys" that have worn themselves out. I don't find nearly as much pleasure in sucking my thumb as I used to.... So either I'm going to have to constantly try to find new things to satisfy myself, or I'm going to have to find the strength to be content with what I have... How could I ever be strong enough to keep from procrastinating. I'm constantly wanting to not do whatever it is i'm supposed to be doing. For example... THIS POST... I don't have a blog post written in my homework assignment. However here I am, during the hour and a half I've set aside for English homework, writing a blog. I am at this moment lacking the power to keep myself on track. How do I get that power? What will motivate me to get the work I'm supposed to do done.
Well being a good christian boy (or man or whatever I am), I should just ask God for the strength and be done with it. Easy as that.... Oh wait I tried that before didn't I? Hmmm... Why didn't it work. I know God can give me anything. Why is he keeping me from succeeding in my life?.. Could it possibly be that I don't have enough faith? Maybe I just didn't believe enough... OR, it could be that I want Gods power, but I don't care about him at all in the situation-*gasp*- NO, not good little me. God is always the center of my life! You can tell by... all the good things I do... like... procrastinate... work only for my own satisfaction... make my parents and friends drive me around cause I'm too lazy to drive myself...
It looks to me like I'm not bearing any good fruit. Yeah sure there's a little grape I like to call not cussing. There's some real fruit. But is it for God that I don't cuss, or party, or smoke, or drink... "Well when you make him Lord of your life this stuff is easy to conquer"... Maybe. However it's also easy to stay out of all that when you can't drive to the party, you can't say those words cause most of the people you talk to are christian, you can't smoke because your parents would find out and make you feel bad about it... These are very selfish reasons that have nothing to do with God. They are plenty motivation to stay out of that garbage. But what about my mind? Who sees where that goes? Well there's God. But judging by the past paragraph I don't really care what he thinks, all I want from him is power to become successful. And I ask why he won't give it to me. Hmmm... Well lets go back to plan A. God says (in the bible) that we are created to be in fellowship with him and work. Well I'm trying to get the working part down. The first part though is unimportant. I mean how could fellowship have a hand in receiving help from God? How could seeking his glory have a hand in giving me success? How can being humbled and dying to myself possibly bring me satisfaction? Where is the joy in giving my life to Christ?..
Basically what this all comes down to is me wanting my own glory. But God doesn't work for me. God doesn't seek my glory. He doesn't want me to be empowered to do my will. He works for Himself. He seeks his glory first. He wants me to be empowered to do his will. AGH!! I'm out of time! okay really quick here. God will never glorify me. I need to glorify Him. I have to seek to satisfy His desires. I have to make what He wants what I want. only then will he lend me his power. I will be successful in all I do because it will be him doing the work. Not to say I just sit back and watch him. But true satisfaction can be had when my goal is to worship him in all I do. No I'm not perfect. I'm probably going to sin at some point in my future. However I'm looking forward to bearing some real fruit. Not for my enjoyment. For Gods....

I'm sorry this is so all over the place. I didn't have time to organize anything, I kinda just started writing and didn't stop until my time was up. Anyway I hope this makes you think about what motivates you. Do you do what you do becouse of people around you. Or is it genuinely coming from a desire to have God first in your life? I'm done now...ish